Fawk You Friday, Shoegasm Shizzle and a Fizzy 55

So it's Fawk You Friday again!  Can you believe it?  Well my lovelies, head on over to Boobies, Babies and a Blog and link up.  Have some stinky cheese with your whine and let it all hang oot!

My Fuck You's this week:


Fuck you to my car's clutch cable that snapped in the middle of a busy traffic circle during rush-hour at 4pm in the afternoon just about 500m from my daughter's school.  All those fuckers peeping and gesturing for me to get out the way.  Where the fuck must I go when my car doesn't have a clutch and I'm on an incline.  Do I crawl up my own arsehole? Piss off!  

However, My Knight-In-Shining-Boerewors came to my rescue with tow car and tow rope.  Smart man!  I was in tears on the way home because I didn't know how to keep the rope tight without my breaks smelling like they were going to explode or trying to view all this through streaming tears.  

Story not over.  It happened again yesterday!  It snapped off mid-busy intersection and my Knight-In-Shining-Boerewors had to come to my rescue again.  He deserves a medal for coming to the rescue again, even though his wife was screaming down the phone at him.  I'm deeply sorry for taking out my frustrations on you!  I would rather evacuate my bowels in a public place than go through that again.


Fuck You to my stupid scale.  It hasn't budged since I started gym two weeks ago.  I thought I'd have lost at least 1 fekkin kilogram by now.  Urgh!  Keep plodding along on that Orbitrek machine, gurl!

Head on over to G-Man and sign up for Flash Fiction Friday and write a complete story in 55 words.  Easy Peasy Lemon Squeezy.



Sugar Free and yet sweet
Dark and Lovely
500mls of soft,
carbonated black beauty
Caffeine and Phenylalanine  loaded
Nice constant Buzzzzz
4 kilojoules of yumminess
0 grams of guilt-free fat
40mg of Sodium that’s 2% of your GDA
GDA – Guideline Daily Amount
Recyclable Plastic Bottle
Chug it down
Aahhhh!
Coke Lite does it for me!













Its Friday's Shoegasm over at  Peace Love Appelsauce
Go Link up and enjoy all the Heels



$669 at FabCrush



Orange (my favourite colour) Louboutin Knock-Offs $142



For the up-and-coming Royal Wedding  from Irregular Choice

Irregular Choice GBP79.99

Irregular Choice GBP129.99




I wish someone in the UK could send me a pair of Irregular Choice shoozies.  I'm a SA Size 4 if anyone wants to surprise me for my birthday in June.



I couldn't help but throw in a handbag because its so damn cute from Irregular Choice for GBP79.99.  Boy, do they have the most adorable accessories or what?. 


Have a BRILLIANT weekend and don't do anything I would do.  Bazinga!
April Fools!


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Things In My Draft Box - To Mole or Not to Mole....

Some stuff that's been sitting in my draft box for ages.


Remember at the end of last year? I The Big Ass Mole on my face removed?  Yeah, I even vlogged about it.  


Well I'm so glad I had that Fucker removed.  I felt like the Wicked Witch of the West with that huge thing on my face.  I was worried that it was going to sprout fat, black hairs in my old age.  Oh the horror!  


Yes, I have a small scar on my cheek now but I'd much rather have a scar than that humongous horrid bulbous.




Before The Big Ass Mole and Before Bangs

Before

After The Big Ass Mole was sliced off
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In some respects I suspect you’ve got a respectable side

I totally believe in Karma.


Karma n. in Indian religions is the concept of action or deed, understood as that which causes the entire cycle of cause and effect
I’ve observed over the years that things happen to people for a reason. Call it fate, call it destiny but I believe you reap what you sow. That if you do good, good will come to you.


I’ve been blessed in life.


I have a wonderful husband who loves me and I love him back, he’s kind to me, he wants to spend time with me, he’s loving and affectionate, sweet and kind and is the best dad to our two wonderful children. Our girls are healthy, yes we have our struggles but they are essentially good girls who’ve been taught good values and right from wrong.


I surround myself with positive friends and people who uplift me, we like me for who I am, who I enjoy spending time with, who I appreciate and who appreciate me.


We’re not well-off financially, in fact we just get by and sometimes squander on things that have immediately gratification instead of saving for a “rainy day” and being sensible. We like to be adventurous, silly and impulsive. Its what makes us happy and keeps us going.


“The Wheel Turns” they say and sometimes a fork in the road comes along and we all need to make choices. Occasionally our Karma springs a leak and we take the wrong path, we make mistakes but essentially what is important is that we get back on the right path, try and make up for our mistakes and keep on plodding down the path of respectable values.


How you live your life depends on how life will treat you.


Be kind to one another and always do the right thing.






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The Things Aspergers Kiddlettes Do...

Piles of things with no shirt because it "itches"

Yesterday when I arrived to collect KK from school, she was sitting in the middle of the rugby field outside trying to get her "closed shoes" on.  (that's what she calls them)  See picture on the left.


She was in tears and kept screaming "My Shoes are Broken!" but they were not.  Of course they weren't.  She was just struggling to get them on.  I don't buy her shoes with laces anymore (its just too frustrating for her and causes meltdowns).  

So, I buy her the shoes with either velcro or that are elasticated so she can get them on and off easily (or so I thought).


Back to my story...


KK's sitting there, alone, sobbing with one shoe in her hand, her face soaked with tears, her skin red from rubbing the tears away, her eyes starting to get all puffy and her hair full of dry grass because she'd flung herself backwards lying on the grass with frustration.


I went up to her, sat down next to her on the grass and with a sigh of relief from KK that mummy had arrived, and a high-pitched full-volume screech to announce: "I can't get my fucking shoe on".  I held her tight, let her have her wee cry, calmed her down, helped her put her shoe on.  


A little boy came up to us while I was putting her shoe back on and asked me "Why is Kaylin crying to loud?".  I told him that she couldn't get her shoe on without help.... and then it happened!  Kaylin spotted this child's dirty, muddy toes!  

She freaked the fuck out!!


I mean she literally behaved liked she'd seen something from Exorcist - horrific that terrified her!  Her eyes bulged, her mouth formed a perfect O and from her seated position on the grass, she crab-walked actually crab-ran backwards at top speed before falling on to her back again.  She started screeching "I don't like dirty feet!  I - HATE - HIS - DIRTY - TOES!".


Well, all I could do was hold her again, tight,  while she sobbed and trembled, more tears, more snot, more fret but eventually recovered from the horror of the boys dirty feet being remotely near her!

Oh the horror!


It took me half an hour to get her calmed down and walk herself to the car.


Other things she does:

 




Rows of things






Closes her ears with loud or irritating sounds






But talks at full volume most of the time.



Overwhelming emotions



Listening to her own voice and repetitive words through filtered ears



and yet thinks she's an angel princess



Anything to do with water calms her down and enthralls her for hours!



Has an amazing bond and love for animals






A unique wee person who keeps me on my toes, gives me grey hair and nightmares




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Willy and Kate Lie Back and Think of England

Oor Wully and Kate are cashing in on their up and coming Wedding by selling Official Royal Wedding Condoms

Yes, only 5 Quid for 3 Crown Jewel Shags!

(okay its not really Kate and Will marketing and selling the condoms  but seems everyone is jumping on the royal horse-driven coach with their own "Wedding of the Decade" crappy souvenirs)













 Yeah, this beautiful commemorative mug has poor Kate marrying wrong fucking brother, Doochebag!  Who in their right mind would go for the ginger brother when they could have Will?





Will Wales's Stag 2011 Tee



Expect to see these cute little bastards 
outside Buckin-Gnome Palace 



 
Royal Wedding Sick Bags



Coffee Mugs



Coaster

Life Size Cardboard Cut Outs (I shit you not)

and the boring yet ever-so English - Tea Towel

The Royal Fridge



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P-Party Happy 21st Birthday Devon

Devon had his 21st Birthday party last night and the Theme was Dress as something "P".

I went as Pippi Long Stockings, my Boerewors went as Papparazzi complete with Press Pass with all the cameras and photography stuff hanging around his neck.

It was great to see Tandy again after so long. Tandy and I have been friends since first year in high school (25 years) and she still looks brilliant. It was her son, Devon, who turned 21 last night and we were invited to share the celebration with them.

Now, they're off on a Cruise to the Bazeruto islands for 7 days! I'm jealous as all hell




Pippi Long Stockings and Papparazzi Man



Louis (The Priest) and Devon (The Pilot)



Tandy



Table Decor






Devon with his grandparents



Devon blowing out his candles



Devon and his cake



The Papparazzi complete with Press Pass
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How to Create Pippi Long Stockings Hair Braids

Going to a fancy dress "P" party today and decided to go as Pippi Long Stockings because its stuff that I'll have lying around the house.


My Boerewors wanted to go as a Penis or a Pussy of course complete with realistic Love Rug.  I said No Fekkin' way!  Besides, he would never be able to accumulate that amount of pubic hair in 24 hours! 


Here is how I got my hair to look like this:





You will need :


Materials
Soldering Wire
Hair brush
Bobby pins
Ribbons
Hair Bands







Step 1: Wash your hair the day before you wear the Pippi braids, but not the day of. Having slightly dirty hair helps the style hold. Brush it out well.









Step 2: Part your hair into 2 piggy tails.






Step 3: Measure out and cut a single piece of wire. Find the right length by placing the wire across the crown of your head and making sure it is as long as both pigtails. Then give yourself an extra inch or two on each end, just in case. Bend the wire to match the curve of your head.







Step 4:   Secure the wire with clips then undo 1 pigtail and separate into 3 sections. Braid your hair just like normal, except wrap the wire inside the braid. This means to just make sure that the wire is snug inside each weave of the braid.





Step 5: Secure the end with a hairband. Then braid the other half.  Trim the extra wire from the end of the braids







Step 6: Cover any obvious wire with your hair by using a bobby pin.  Add Ribons to the ends.










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